Finding myself through curiosity.

For as long as I can remember, I felt something was missing deep inside of me.  There was a hole that I was trying to fill, and throughout my life I was searching for that missing piece.  For the longest time I thought a boy would complete me.  I was the very definition of “boy crazy”, always looking for one to “like me” or choose me.  When that did not fill the void I felt, I would turn to things like food or drugs to escape the sadness I felt.  Yet that sadness never went away.  

I’ve always known that I was fortunate to have the family and childhood that I had.  Over the years, friends would stay at my house to escape from their own families, and enjoy the relative safety my home provided.  

Therefore, it must be me!  Something is wrong with me, as a person.  So I became a people pleaser, placing everyone else above myself, because I don’t need anything, right?  I had a “perfect” life.  

So here I am at 45 years old; Wife, Mother of 2, Stepmom to 5, and doing my best to create the life I want.  The life I need.  The life I deserve.  “Yes!”, I tell myself, “There are things I need, and my needs are valid and important!”

Five years ago I found myself drowning in the deepest pain imaginable.  I had become isolated from family and friends.  It was at that point where my journey of getting to know myself began.  This led to deep self discovery through therapy, books, podcasts, and videos.  

I’ve always been somewhat of a curious person and when I entered the corporate world at 19 I got a glimpse of what my curiosity could do.  I would learn my role by breaking it down into small steps, then ask why and create a story that would explain why we do the next step.  At 21 I was in a leadership role that included training new employees. I feel that I received that promotion because I could explain the “why” for each step. Instead of saying “Do this, then do that” I would say “We need to do this because it is important to know for this, then it will make sense why we do that”.   

It wasn’t until I learned how to apply my curiosity to identify and understand my feelings, that the hole I felt began to fill, by discovering my true, authentic self and creating a nurturing relationship with my inner child.  Once I learned these skills, I was able to apply it in my closest relationships.  This has allowed me to create open, intimate relationships with my children, husband, and stepchildren.  It even had the pleasant side effect of improving my relationship with my childrens’ dad.  The growth of that relationship gives me a keen eye to the general lack of tools that we are given as we go through adolescence and into “adulting”.  

I am excited to share the skills I’ve learned and look forward to seeing the wonderful results of your own curiosity!